Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
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I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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