I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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