What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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