mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
