My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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