I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
