Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
