Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
