i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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