I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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