The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She bit a glass in half.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
