So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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