i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
