I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
