my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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