there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
