oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I got her a Nickelback box set.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
