ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
