Jerry, you need to find god
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
