I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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