Someone shit on the floor
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
