My liver just broke up with me...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
