When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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