Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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