so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He passed out mid-signature
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
