after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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