New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
