hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
