he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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