I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
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the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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