Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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