It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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