I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
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I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
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You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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