im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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