I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
