I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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