My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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