I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
