Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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