my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
