You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
