last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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