Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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