If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
