You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
