This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
