Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
