Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
