I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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