break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We got so high we made milksteak
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
