You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
