just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
