He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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