i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
