I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
